Hick in the District

I know you all don’t believe me when I tell you I’m a hick. I know I know, you all think I’m terribly cultured, sophisticated, erudite even, and nothing of the stock of my fiction and parody could possibly exist.

I went back to the valley a couple weeks ago for my sister’s graduation and knowing dozens of you would be awaiting my news of the trip I decided to update this blog with all appropriate haste. I might get to that, but for now, here are pictures from around town. Click on (some of) them to see a larger picture.

My parents live in a gated community on the Tuolumne River. Right across from the gate is a charming luncheonette:


Turning left and driving down the road a quarter mile you come across a sort of pawn shop known for selling excess toilet paper and half-used sand paper:

No one honestly believed me when I said the next town over is called Hickman. Suck it:

My dad’s new superintendent is from Walnut Creek. He commutes and one day burst into the office exclaiming “I saw COWS on my way into work! HOW COOL IS THAT!?!” When you drive from Waterford to Modesto that’s all you see:

Ok, cows are all you see except for large farm equipment on the road:

Once you get into town, you…uh…well…there are no words, but like Jeff Foxworthy says, “You can’t give rednecks money.”

Coming back from Modesto I saw someone doing what is considered getting ahead out there:

(Judge Mike Cummins for District Attorny)

The view from my room (the cows were in another field, but get rotated every couple days):

This is perhaps the crowning glory, a picture worth a good five hundred words:

And what makes it all worth it:

This, my Virginiafied Tex-mex lovin’ friends, is real Mexican food. For six bucks no less.

I didn't get pictures of the 24-hour bait and tackle shop at the 76 station (for those times you just need gasoline and worms at two in the morning) or the road signs with buckshot through them, but that'll happen next time.

# posted by Mike @ 9:46 AM 0 comments

Why do we have massive illegal immigration into this country and welfare? If people on welfare can't find jobs...how can illegal immigrants? If we wanted to curb illegal immigration would it make sense to cut welfare so those folks have to take the low paying jobs immigrants are? Probably not, but its interesting to think about.

If you don't, I'm going to call you when I wake up at 7 am my time. There, I said it.

Today I had to drop off a lot of letters from the Secretary to representatives who sit on a subcommittee that’s going to be marking up the administration’s FY ’07 energy budget request. This involved the vainglorious task of walking into each member’s office and dropping off said letter with their staff. Here are some of my observations:

1. The entire federal budget would shrink by .03% if Rayburn were reorganized. Or better yet, demolished and replaced with a building that doesn’t look like it was designed by the faculty panel that heard the dissertation for the guy who designed Dwinelle.

4. The fifth floor of Cannon is a joke. When you get off the elevator you step into a storage space that looks like its housing wreckage from Katrina. Walking through it you can’t help but be concerned the capitol police are going to arrest you for being somewhere you shouldn’t to do something you oughtn’t.

5. Every staffer except Vanessa Colburn (who couldn’t have been more pleasant, go bears)—like fifteen of them, republican and democrat—took the letter and let it fall on their desk as though I had simply dropped off the office water bill a week early. Little punks! I just delivered something signed by the United States Secretary of Energy’s autopen! Rah-speckt mah authoritah!

7. Junior high kids should not be allowed in the district unless they can pass a test identifying the function of the buildings whose security walls they’ll be jumping from.

by the cafeteria lady. Apparently my corn bread "deserves its own plate." The "damnit" was implied. Glad to know someone is looking out for the cornbread's feelings.

On the Monday after I was assaulted I went searching around the DC city government’s site and ran across a page where you can ask the mayor a question. According to the site the page is there to help us “Let the Mayor know how he is doing in your neighborhood. Please use this form to send your comments, questions or observations to Mayor Anthony Williams.”

Doing what I do best, I fired off a pissed off e-mail:

According to the police officer I filed my report with, I was "assaulted with a deadly weapon” outside the Deanwood Metro station on Friday evening just after 8 pm. Apparently this has happened with relative frequency at this particular metro station, not to mention being a problem at metro stations generally. Approximately 8 juveniles between the ages of 15 and 17 attacked me, attempting to steal my wallet, my cell phone and a package I had with me. My keys are missing, but since I at the bottom of the dog pile didn’t actually see them get taken, the incident cannot be classified as a robbery. The law cracks me up. According to the EMTs, I needed stitches to attach part of my scalp back to my head, but since this city’s hospitals are woefully inadequate and were routing ambulances to other hospitals I decided I had the requisite medical knowledge to care for myself and released them.

I have several questions:

1. Since the city is unable to prevent systematic attacks like this, why shouldn’t I be allowed to own a firearm to protect myself?

2. If you were in my position, would you rather risk the million to one chance of getting caught with an unauthorized weapon or would you rather risk the painfully obviously greater chance of getting caught without a weapon when you need one? What’s the worst that happens in either case? With that risk/cost/benefit analysis you don’t need your CFO to tell you it’s a tempting proposition.

3. Since I don’t want to break any laws, why shouldn’t I sue the city to have the current fire arms statute overturned?

4. What volunteer opportunities are there to work with the euphemistic “at-risk” youths before they turn into ne’er-do-well miscreants?


Today a lieutenant from DCPD called me to discuss my e-mail. I gave him my cell number and asked him to call me back after work hours. I’ll let you know how it went.

Faithful readers will remember my run in with the CBEST back when I was applying to be a substitute teacher. But California being less than intelligent made that difficult. Doing what I do best, I fired off a pissed off to some state senator:

>I graduated from UC Berkeley in May and have decided to become a substitute teacher while I search for more permanent employment. However, I am frustrated by the requirements imposed by the administration of the CBEST and propose an additional method prospective substitute teachers may use to satisfy their credentialing obligations.
>
>It is my understanding that the following is true of the CBEST: The CBEST tests basic understanding of reading, writing and mathematics and is graded on a 20-80 point scale distribution with one point increments. To pass you must achieve a least 123 on the three sections combined, though no section may be less than 37. In other words, you must get roughly 35% of the answers correct on a multiple choice test where random guessing will get you 20% correct.
>
>Here is my problem: The CBEST is only administered once every 2 months, must be registered for at least one month before taking it and requires another month to process results. If I want to be a substitute teacher in California as soon as possible, I have to register for this test in early November, take it in early December, and wait to get results in early January. This is an inexcusably ridiculous waste of time.
>
>Here's my solution: Allow those who achieve a predetermined satisfactory score on the Graduate Records Exam to substitute that score for the CBEST requirement. The GRE is a test that examines virtually identical material as the CBEST (verbal, mathematic, analytical writing) but is much more difficult and in depth. The GRE also uses essentially the same statistical distribution grading method as the CBEST, with a range of 200-800 and 10 point increments. The only significant difference is the analytical writing section which is graded on a rubric scale of 6 points with .5 increments, though I submit a passing score may be defined in this system as readily as the other. The GRE may be taken within days of registration and, because it's a computer administered test, results are instantaneous. Granted, it is approximately $70 more expensive than the CBEST, though this is much less expensive than two months of unemployment.
>
>I believe allowing this option in addition to the standard CBEST will produce more substitute teachers without compromising standards since this option lowers the barrier to entry for applicants who are able and willing to pass a more readily available and more difficult test. I strongly encourage appropriate actions be taken to enact this or similar proposals.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Michael Davis

I was kinda hoping they'd see how brilliant I was and offer me a job, but nothing happened. Then today I get this e-mail:

Hello Michael,
I just wanted you to know that your proposal has been incorporated in omnibus legislation carried by Senator Scott. The bill has numerous provisions designed to reduce barriers. Your suggestion is being very well-received. The bill number is SB 1209. Thanks for writing to express your concerns--and your suggestions.

***** ****, Consultant
Center for the Future of Teaching and Learning

I looked it up here, its amending Section 44252 (d) to read as follows:

(d) By July 31, 2007, the Superintendent shall establish passing scores for each of the tests specified in this subdivision, the attainment of any of which may be substituted for a passing score on the state basic skills proficiency test adopted pursuant tosubdivision (c). The Superintendent shall set basic skills passing scores for each of the following tests:
(1) The Graduate Record Examinations (GRE) General Test.
(2) The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) Reasoning Test.
(3) The ACT Plus Writing.


I wonder if I can put this on my resume...